Our life, our way

I have a lot to think about. A lot has happened this year, both good and bad. Just as anyone else, I wish the bad things didn’t happen.  For years now my friends from various stages in my life have also moved around the country as I have all of my childhood. So it makes it very difficult to see folks.  This year was special and unique.

I got to go on vacation twice with Lauren and Mike. Sonya has been here to visit on several occasions. I even got to spend time with folks back home in Biloxi. The “harem” as Brian likes to call them. It makes me remember how much I miss my friends. For a while there I almost forgot what it was like. I’ve made friends everywhere but not the kind of friends from before. Not the kind, you tell anything to. Not the kind, you call up randomly just to chat. My new friends, it seems like everything has to be planned. What happened to, picking up the phone when you are bored and head out to catch a movie?

But the year was filled with lots of bad news. Seemed like everywhere I turned I heard the word divorce. That is very sad to me whether the couple had kids or not. Unfortunately, many are not finalized because its never quick when it has kids involved.

We’ve gotten to spend good quality time with Brian’s Dad. I think he really enjoyed Seattle/Alaska. I wish we could do more for him to get him away from the drama that fills his life. I don’t think the stress is good for him at all. I saw him at Christmas and he looked tired and run down. It is wonderful that he is helping care for his grandkids but it takes such a toll on him. He should be relaxing and “enjoying” the kids not having to care for their day to day needs.  Hopefully things will lighten up for him.

We haven’t gotten to take mom anywhere this year and for that I feel really bad. She deserves it.  My goal is to get that taken care of the first half of 2012.

We’ve moved to a new house in 2011. It was a difficult decision. In a bad economy, how can you dive in and decide to buy a second home just to have two mortgages? But we did our math carefully based on our spending habits in the past 2 years living together and sharing finances and we did it! I am very glad we did. I love the new house. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my old house too. These first 4 months have been tight because of move in expenses (little fixes here and there) and the holidays. But we budgeted well and we didn’t incur additional debt! Now we just need to stick to our normal behavior in 2012 that we did in 2011 and we’ll still be able to take our vacations, buy our toys, pay down old debt and keep up with the mortgage. For that I feel really lucky.

I see lots of folks that make equal to or more than us and they aren’t able to do the things we do.  They probably have more cost in their life. Hopefully the economy gets better, and everyone will start to be able to breathe a little nicer as finances let up.  I can’t wait until our credit card debt is 100% gone along with student loans.  Another 2 years for credit card debt and car loans. I wish it wasn’t that long but I think the house was worth the delay and I refuse to give up vacations. After all we take pretty cheap vacations and the life moments and memories we have together are priceless. Who cares if people call me cheap. I’d rather take 3 cheap vacations than one super expensive one. Alaska was pricey but Alaska cruises are never cheap and we wanted to make sure Dad had a great time.  Balcony was nice but the price premium was still not worth it. Maybe later in life, but for now, I’m going bad to my cheap interior rooms.

Those were the highlights of the year. There is still so many more things worth mentioning but I better hop in the shower so that I can enjoy my last day of 2011 with my nephew, Tai.  Happy New Year everyone!

So, I consider myself to be a nice person. I do.

But if I consider myself a nice person then you are wondering why I am asking this question.  “Nice” has different levels.

Lately at work, I’ve been trying to re-evaluate what it is to be nice.  I can work with pretty much anyone. If you have met some of the folks I’ve worked with before you would agree with me. LOL.

But being cordial and working with someone is kind of where I would like to draw the line. I don’t feel that I need to talk about vacation with you, talk about my marriage, talk about having kids, or anything else that is about my personal life. If we don’t like each other…if we only talk because of work, then I will smile and say hi to you in the hall, but I probably won’t ask “How are you?” Let alone any of those other things.

So why does it seem that people define “being nice” to co-workers to include this small talk? You don’t care, I don’t care, so lets not bother. Right?

And if you are someone I do talk to about any of those personal topics, then I consider you to be more than a co-worker. Maybe not a good friend I will grab a drink after work with, but I would help you if you needed it. So if you are going to be more than a co-worker then don’t stab me in the back.

And if I stop entertaining all these people and there need for information (or acting like they want to know) then am I not nice anymore?

So having mom live with us has been quite a learning experience for me (Kim). Phong and I handled the paperwork and finances for our parents for all of our childhood. When mom and I parted ways with Phong in MI since he wanted college there and we wanted warm weather, I’ve been the primary paperwork/finance handler for mom.

I just had to make sure I knew where all the money was and that bills got paid. Not so bad especially since most of the time it was not my money I had to dish out.

Since she moved in in 2005, healthcare has been the new task on the list.  Finding a physcian she liked. Getting her set up on Medicare. It’s stuff I never thought about as I planned for my future. I knew I wanted to have a house paid off, money set aside, retirement funds to live off of. But what about health insurance?

Because, quite frankly, medicare sucks!

I love that her insurance only covers problem specific diagnosis and not health prevention other than the big stuff like mamograms, etc.

The newest thing is lack of dental care. The only thing her insurance covers is extraction. Really? Nothing to preserve the teeth. No dentures, nothing. How many old people are walking around with not dentures?

So I have to think about this, how will I insure I can afford the crazy health insurance premiums or set myself up to retain an employer plan. I guess this is why so many folks in the University system are quite content with just doing their time and retiring.  So I guess Brian or I better retire with someone that has after retirement costs for employee and spouse to help off set what Medicare won’t pay…if it will still be around. That or have lots of kids and hopes one becomes rich and can care for us (or at least me) in our old age.

So last week, Brian and I went to class at our local JoAnn Fabrics store for “Sewing Basics.”

I was a little nervous. I had not used a machine in so long. Same thing for Brian. We thought it would be a good idea since we would like to make costumes for the Georgia Renaissance Festival. Renting is too expensive and buying is even worst (if you go authentic).

We have one sewing machine Brian bought mom the other year. She doesn’t really use it since her eye sight isn’t very good anymore. I took the home machine in and Brian used a machine at JoAnn.

Shopping List: 1 yard of cotton fabric, 1 yard of iron on interfacing, a box of pins, spool of thread, and some pins.

We were quite disappointed in the class itself. The 2.5 hour course ending up being only 2 hours. A good big of the time was spent waiting as the instructor helped each student and there were only two others aside from us! What did we learn? We learned to thread a machine, sewing a straight line (semi-straight…LOL), edging a stitch and adding interface. The part of class that was described as “learn how to read a pattern” was a joke! *sigh*

One big thing I did learn from the class is that Brian is much better at this sewing thing than me. All his lines were perfecting straight. Instructor even showed off his fabric to the other students to show how its “supposed” to be done.

We probably won’t be taking any additional sewing classes immediately. We bought a whole bunch of patterns during a mega sale so we’ll see how well we do.

Kim’s first project: a purse

Brian’s first project: a kilt

Wish us luck!

We work so hard to help those we love. Our family, our friends. What do you do when you can’t help them. Your daughter had her first heart break. Your son doesn’t make the varsity team. Your best friend is laid off from their job.

*sigh*

Since we can’t give them what they want….what they need, we give them anything we can. You take your broken hearted daughter out shopping for a new dress to feel pretty. You give your son the keys to your car. You take your friend out for a night on the town or offer up that spare bedroom in your apartment until they get back on their feet.

All of this sounds great, right? Maybe. A big MAYBE!

If your kid is in distress, do you just poor your time and money into them. My immediate reaction is YES. But then I think about how the kid will take it for granted or not realize how much it is stressing the parents out.

It seems like several couples we know are recently divorced or contemplating a divorce. So what is the first thing we all think about…those poor kids. I always feel bad for the kids in the divorce. Parents made choices and decisions and now the kids have to deal. I’m not saying folks need to stay together for the sake of the kids. There will be fights and tension and kids can sense that. Better to have two happy homes than one miserable one.

But the biggest mistake many make are to over compensate for the pain kids go through. Whether you are the parent, grandparent, godparent or friend, you want to do something for the kids to hopefully make up for their stress. But spoiling a kid for a smile now will only make it worst in the long run.  Whether the recipient of the extra attention, money or resources is a 2 year old or a 30 year old, they can get spoiled.

And I shouldn’t just put this on the ones that care. The recipient, if an adult, should know that they should not always take help. Sometimes others are bending over backwards and depriving themselves of basic necessities in life (i.e. sleep and peace of mind) to help them.

There was a time in my life in which I thought everyone deserved help and that I would do whatever I needed to do to help. But I now realize that I can’t become an enabler. I have to let people make their mistakes and pick themselves up. Sometimes you have to do it on your own in order to really grow. Now I just have to deal with watching others in my life enabling the ones they love. Perhaps I will just come across heartless.

So be it.

In watching Grey’s Anatomy last night it reminded me of a conversation Brian and I had a little while back due to a movie we watched.  The movie was called “The Little Nonya.” (awesome movie!!! )

The movie follows the lives of several Peranakan families and focuses on the struggles of one particular mother, her daughter and grand daughter. The majority of the movie focuses on the grand daughter. The ending was alright but Brian was sad because she didn’t end up with the man she loved the most. He loved her the most but had to marry another, divorce and then marry his best friend. She marries someone that adored her and rescued her on several occasions. Though they went on the live fulfilling lives, they didn’t get to spend it with their most loved person in their lives.

Is it really sad? I guess so. But it is so real! How many people do you know, married their one and only true love and lived happily ever after?

Folks die, divorce, etc. Or circumstance just makes it so. Many have the one that “got away.” Due to a stupid argument or misunderstanding. In the movie the two loved each other. But in life love can be one way. You can have the love of your life but they love someone else so in a since you settle. Is settling bad? Not really. It depends on what you settle for. If you settle for someone just to have someone then it can be bad. Like in the movie, if you settle for your best friend or someone that absolutely adores you then, I think its good. That is why relationships are not even 50/50. Someone usually will love the other more. As long as you both love and respect each other it is all good.

The key is to be happy. And to be happy, you need to not compare your life with others. Base it on you.

If you look down, there is always someone worst off than you. If you look up there will always be someone smarter or richer. Why not just look in the mirror and think about the good in your life.

You are my friend so I hold you to a higher standard. Or should I?

So a recent event really pissed me off. I was reading along on the internet and came across an article about a friend of mine. I was so excited. I mean, really, its my friend and they are getting recognition for something they did! Woot!

Half way through the article I wanted to “gag.” It had false statements. My friend was getting recognition for stuff they did AND didn’t do. Stuff that I personally know others did even before my friend started employment at the place.

I sat at work pretty pissed for a while and then wondered why I was so mad and came to this conclusion:

1. Said friend has on so many occasions complained to me that they were so tired of having others take credit for their work at work. So for this person to turn around and do the same thing is so hypocritical.
2. They are my friend. In a world where it seems like everyone expects things to be handled to them on a silver platter. I expect better morals out of my friends.

So though I genuinely think this person is overall nice, do I really need them as my friend? They felt they deserved something and are willing to throw others under the bus for their benefit (They have confessed doing it before), then when I become an obstacle will I be thrown to the curb too?

Why is it that so many people think they deserve or are entitled to anything?

• You have a 4-year degree so you are entitled to a job. Perhaps you should have done some research into that degree. Is there a demand? Do career paths exist?

• You work hard so you deserve better pay. Again…did you do your research? Not all jobs are equal.  A 10 year veteran nurse is not going to make more then a new surgeon, no matter how hard you work. It’s harsh and its not that I don’t value nurses, I DO. But the harsh reality is we each chose a career path and have different skill sets.

This is the mentality that is being implanted into kids minds and we wonder what is happening to the world. Get over yourselves, get your ass off the chair and go do something productive.

You don’t need a degree to make big bucks. You don’t need seniority to have respect. You just need to be a hardworker that is realistic and stop day dreaming.

So it dawns on me that many of us live in denial.

Brian and I were talking about reality vs what many see as the truth. It it true that there are moments when I think our life is not ideal. I am not the ideal spouse and he is not the ideal husband. I don’t wait on him hand and foot and he isn’t all that romantic. Cinderalla dream…GONE.

But was it ever really there? Could it have ever been? Does it even exist? The answer: NO.

The reality is that life deals you cards and you have to play them in the game the best you can. Is a fat person that just complains and wishes they were skinny going to “just get” skinny? NO. Is a poor person living outside there means suddenly going to be able to afford that expensive lifestyle they dream of? NO. If I want the big super vacation but don’t save, is it going to happen. If I want my kids to have a good education and go to college with no preparation for them, will they magically be at Harvard?

And just when you think you finally have a good grasp on reality, life changes. Nothing ever stands still. And its when these changes occur, that’s when as humans we reach for the world that doesn’t exist…AGAIN. We lose site of what we need vs what we want.

Everyman “wants” a beautiful wife. And he will find her. They well get married. At that moment life for him seems perfect. Then life happens. Whether its a baby or just old age, but she will gain weight, she will get old. That perfect world is suddenly gone. Or is it? If life changes, why don’t our goals. Perhaps what he still wants is the trophy wife. But what he needs is the loving wife thats just a few pounds heavier. He needs someone that will always be there for him.

As humans we have confused goals with dreams. They aren’t the same. We need to work on goals together. Life is about partnerships. We can’t do it alone and things won’t just happen with no effort. I wouldn’t have made it through college quite the same without all my friends. We made great partners in crime I have to say.

As of late, we have had a lot of friends and family that are in the process of a divorce. It saddens me, because some I’ve known since before they married. Growing up I used to think that everyone needs to get married and that 10 year relationships were too long. You should know you want to marry someone before then.

But I have to wonder why couples can date and live together (some have kids) and last 10+ years when the couple that married in 2-3 years is having issues. Or why the 10 year relationship starts to have issues after marriage? I think its because people assume they will get something out of marriage. Nothing is going to change after marriage except you now have a ring on your finger. Am I suppose to believe that I have to work on our couple issues while dating to keep the other party interested enough till marriage and after that, everything will magically solve itself?

Whether you are married or not, you will only continue to get to know each other with each day. You will continue to grow and change and you need to work at being together.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone has asked me how married life is, I’d have my baby fund jar FULL! It’s like people want you to think life should be different after marriage. We need to stop feeding each other these lies. It takes a lot to find a friend you can call a best friend, it takes more to find someone you can co-habitat with.  It takes a lot to find the job that we don’t hate going to every morning.

The grass is NOT greener on the other side.

So I’ve toyed with the idea for some time now that I want to own my own business. This past year I’ve done a good bit of freelance. Well, its a good bit for me since I don’ t do any some years. I wanted to dump that money into the family fund to help Brian and I reach our goals sooner.

He, however, wants me to keep all that in a separate account. Our regular salaries go together for family expenses. This separate account is for the potential new business for me. I just want to do all I can for this family because family is number one. And I am so blessed that though the extra money will help, Brian has pushed me in that direction. There’s a little bit of money there and this weekend we went and purchased my first “business expense”…. the laptop I’ve always wanted. Apple never has a sale on their products but they do clearance models out when new ones arrive. If my husband wasn’t selfless, I wouldn’t have been able to jump on the deal.

Just a few more steps and business will be open. Love you Brian!

To dos…..

• incorporate
• find more clients
• build my website …only have a place holder now (http://www.forallthingsdesign.com/)
• find the right CPA

I’m not quite sure why it happens, but where ever I work, people seem to try to befriend me. They come to chat in my office and they ask me to lunch all the time. So here my problem.

I will tell them no and they ask why. It’s not that I don’t want their company…it’s because I don’t want to spend the money. Then I’m asked where all my money goes. hmmmm….SAVINGS!

Then there is also outside of work. Friends ask me to come visit them. They ask me to go on vacation. I wish I could go every time. But I can’t. Not that I can’t pay for it. I have savings…I have credit cards. There are so many that will charge anything to a credit card. I am floored by this!

People give me weird looks when I tell them what my vacation budgets are. I am very proud that I can have a vacation for a fraction of what other people pay. That means I can have more of them!

Fortunately, Brian feels the same way as I. He doesn’t think I’m cheap. In fact I think he is also very proud of me when I save us money. We get to do more trips with each other and save for our future. We have debt to pay off and if we keep up with similar spending habits a year from now then all that went to debt is now straight into savings. I feel so lucky that my husband is on the same page with me on how we will spend our money. He isn’t the best and keeping track of our budget so I handle it but I make sure he knows what I’m up to. No secrets, no surprises. We act as a checks and balance system.

So yes, we spend only 1k on Disney and stay at a value resort. If we were off to the beach then the hotel room is important as we might spend more time at it, not if we will only shower and sleep there. We would rather cruise a month before the Caribbean gets busy with spring breakers. The weather is in the 80′s in Feb and cruise prices are half what they will be March-July. So we have less heat to deal with less money spent. Sounds like a win, win to me.

So for everyone that thinks my husband and I are cheap….well, perhaps we are. But we get to enjoy more time together. We can make more memories. And we’ll be able to save for little ones when we are ready to start a family. We can buy the house of our dreams that is suitable for our whole family and lifestyle! More power to everyone that want to live pay check by check, or better yet use credit cards to make ends meet. That is not our style. There is a time for everything. If one person is laid off, we might not be as comfortable, but we would be okay. If we both got laid off then we will last for a little while before we might have to turn to credit cards. But they should never be used to supplement life unless you are about to go bankrupt or need to put food on the table. And not because you are in that situation because you are living outside of your means.

We want to be ready for emergencies. We want to be ready for life changes (good or bad). We want to be able to provide for any member of our families.

There are many things I love to do in life but I would sacrifice it all and even be somewhat sad but all would be right in the world to see that I could do something for someone I love. Why can’t everyone just stop being selfish and sacrifice for the greater good. If you love someone you will do anything you can for them which includes preventing them from sacrificing for you.